


something to get me through the nothing

by thehandsoftime



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-22 21:42:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11389002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehandsoftime/pseuds/thehandsoftime
Summary: Kyle Rau goes home. It isn't enough.





	something to get me through the nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ionthesparrow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionthesparrow/gifts).



> a -- some totally anonymous fanfiction for you, please enjoy.
> 
> content note: possibly implied and suggested incest? you can probably ignore it, but.

It isn't that Kyle has never set goals just for himself: win a state championship, get an offer from the U, win a national title, make the NHL. He likes setting goals, writing them down, coming up with ways to overcome every obstacle that might stand in his way. He likes achieving them and, mostly, he does. (He never does get that national title.)

It's just: Chad has always been the best of them, at least when it comes to hockey. Matt was good, but he liked school better. Kyle works hard and Curt can keep up, but Chad excels naturally. If they did exactly the same amount of work, Kyle could never keep up with Chad.

And so, before he can ever remember deciding to, Kyle thinks: _I need to be better than Chad._

***

Nick says, "You're great."

Chad says, "You're not good enough."

Kyle doesn't know which is worse.

Nick believes in him. Nick has always believed in him, maybe before Kyle ever believed in himself.

***

They've known each other all their lives. Hockey is huge in Minnesota; hockey is an insular community anywhere.

Kyle lets himself show surprise when he is invited to the Hlinka: he isn't surprised, not really. The NDP may not have wanted him the way they wanted Nick, but they know he can play. He knows he can play.

He spends more time with the Boston guys than he expected, but Bricks doesn't take no for an answer when he asks if Kyle wants to hang out. And so Kyle does, with Bricks and with Charlie Coyle and with Kevin Hayes. He doesn't spend as much time as he expected with the other Minnesotans -- they're guys he plays against regularly and that's always harder -- but somehow, Nick is always around.

They don't do enough. Kyle doesn't do enough, but for the first time, he knows that Nick Bjugstad has noticed him.

***

He wakes up to Chad's trophies on his bedside table.

He wins another state title. He gets drafted, by Nick's team. He becomes a Gopher.

He lets Nick kiss him. He kisses Nick.

Chad plays nine games for the Wild, scores two goals, doesn't do much else. Kyle gets to see him play. Kyle has never been more proud. Kyle has never felt more determined to be there, one day.

***

Nick says, "I love you," like it's easy.

Chad only ever says, "You did good, kid."

Chad is more reassuring than Nick is, somehow. Nick doesn't know how to love with anything less than his entire being, all eight feet of him.

Chad loves Kyle, but he also leaves him room to breathe and Kyle needs that.

When Nick leaves for Florida, Kyle feels like he is drowning.

***

Everyone looks for milestones when they play: their first game, their first point, their first goal. Their fiftieth, their hundredth, on and on.

Kyle looks for these: how many games did Chad play in the A before he got called up? How many goals did he score? How can Kyle catch up? How can Kyle be better?

***

Signing with the Wild isn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

Chad led his team in goals last year. Chad is getting talked about like he could go to the Olympics next year, with the NHL staying out of it.

Chad is happy, Kyle thinks. He's playing on some unpronouncable team in a place with decent weather and when he talks about Andrei, the goalie that followed him there, there's a sudden softness to his voice that makes Kyle ache.

And Kyle? Kyle has the X. Kyle has the Wild.

Kyle doesn't have Nick anymore.

***

He plays his tenth game for the Minnesota Wild in November, one more than Chad ever did. His third point with them, his first assist, surpassing Chad, feels better than anything he's ever done before.

In December, he goes to Florida.

Nick still texts, Nick still calls, they're both still in the all the same group chats from college, but Kyle hasn't answered in too long. They don't share the ice. Kyle loses two faceoffs to Troch, wins three against DMac, and draws a penalty. It's an okay game.

A week later, Kyle texts Nick. _I know you're probably busy_ , he types and then deletes that. _You probably can't, but_ , gets the same treatment. _Do you want to get dinner while you're here?_ he finally manages to send.

He doesn't have time to put his phone away and pretend he isn't checking it obsessively before it beeps -- _yes_ , Nick says.

In January, Kyle starts the new year by sleeping in, still recovering from a hard game against Nashville -- Erik told him they were always the hardest, but part of him hadn't believed it, he thinks -- and then across a table from Nick, who doesn't make eye contact with him.

In February, Kyle eats, sleeps, and breathes hockey. In February, Chad is named captain of the Olympic team and wins a bronze medal.

In March, Kyle signs his first one-way contract with the Wild, a promise for the next few years.

In April, he scores his first playoff goal, to eliminate the Blues in triple overtime at the X. Curt is still laughing when they see each other. "I like Brodin's passes better than yours," Kyle says. It would almost be mean if Curt wasn't thinking of the same goal, if Curt didn't laugh even more, if Curt didn't hug him, if Curt didn't say, "I'm so proud of you."

In May, Nick comes home. He doesn't tell Kyle he's there, but Kyle finds out.

In June, Kyle is on the ice for the moment he's been waiting for for most of his life: Mikko Koivu lifting the Stanley Cup to the roar of the crowd. He's heard the X loud before, but never like this. He almost doesn't realize it when Zucker yells his name and then hands him the Cup.

It isn't enough. Kyle wants more.

In July, Kyle is back in the gym, getting ready for next year. In July, Chad comes home for a whole month. In July, Kyle finally meets Andrei and he watches the way Chad looks at him and his heart aches.

In August, he says to Nick, "It's not like you haven't been in Florida while I was here before."


End file.
